“I’ll keep that in mind next time I’m buying groceries.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Enjoy your show.”
“ENJOY YOUR SHOW.”
On the screen, the man was now the one crying.
Finally, someone on that tablet was having a worse day than me.
Two more hours passed. Somewhere past four hundred kicks, I stopped counting.
Then the mother pulled off her headphones.
“Lily, come on. Bathroom.”
“But I don’t need to go!”
ON THE SCREEN, THE MAN WAS NOW THE ONE CRYING.
“Well, I do. Move.”
They marched down the aisle.
Silence. Beautiful, ringing silence.
I almost cried. Then I smelled something.
Hot plastic.
I leaned over. The tablet sat on her tray, still plugged in.
HOT PLASTIC.
The power bank beside it looked slightly puffed up, and the cable was bent at a sharp angle.
I wasn’t inventing anything. It really smelled.
For two hours, I had begged that woman to give her daughter some attention. Now I had a feeling she was about to give Lily her undivided attention.
I pressed the call button.
***
A flight attendant arrived. Her name tag said Emily.
I PRESSED THE CALL BUTTON.
“Can I help you, sir?”
“I think something’s wrong with the electronics behind me.”
“What kind of problem?”
“It smells like overheated plastic. And the battery looks swollen.”
“Do you see any smoke?”
“No. But I figured you’d want to know before I do.”
“DO YOU SEE ANY SMOKE?”
She leaned in and sniffed. Her smile disappeared.
“Did you touch it?”
“No, ma’am. I’m a surgeon. I know better than to poke swollen things.”
“Good. Please stay in your seat.”
She called over the senior flight attendant. Two minutes later, they had unplugged everything, bagged it, and carried it off toward the galley.
“I’M A SURGEON.”
I sat there looking like a Sunday school teacher.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Just a precaution, sir.”
“Safety first.”
I tried my best to hide my Cheshire Cat grin.
I watched the tablet disappear.
“SAFETY FIRST.”
I’d spent two hours negotiating with a ten-year-old’s sneakers. Turns out, a battery was a much better listener.
The mother and Lily came back.
She sat down, reached for her tray, and froze.
“Where’s my tablet?”
I said nothing.
She checked under the seat. The seat pocket. Then she looked at me.
THE MOTHER AND LILY CAME BACK.
“WHAT DID YOU DO?”
“Good news. Your seat’s still here.”
“YOU TOOK MY TABLET!”
“I’m a surgeon, ma’am. Not a magician.”
“Don’t play dumb with me!”
“Trust me, I’m not enjoying this conversation enough to play anything.”
“YOU TOOK MY TABLET!”
She jabbed the call button. Emily came back.
“Where is my tablet?”
“Ma’am, the power bank was overheating. We have to follow safety procedure.”
“There was nothing wrong with it!”
“It was unusually hot, and the battery was swollen. The crew will keep it until it’s checked.”
“HE did this!”
I TRIED MY BEST TO HIDE MY CHESHIRE CAT GRIN.
She pointed at me.
“He’s angry because my daughter kicked his seat!”
I turned around slowly.
“So you did notice.”
She blinked.
“That’s not what I meant!”
“THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!”
“Of course not.”
“I want to speak to your supervisor!”
“I’ll ask the senior flight attendant to come over,” Emily said.
“I paid for this flight!”
“So did I,” I said quietly. “Mine didn’t include a massage package.”
“I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”
She dropped into her seat and pulled out her phone. Four percent.
Her headphones blinked red and died in her hands.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“Something wrong?”
“Shut up!”
“Just checking.”
“YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”
She turned the phone off and gripped it like the last lifeboat on a sinking ship.
No tablet. No headphones. No soap opera.
I put on my sleep mask.
I thought losing her show would be the worst part of her flight.
If we’re going to suffer, we’re going to suffer together.
***
For five minutes, it was quiet.
