A 10-year-old girl kicked my seat for two hours on a 12-hour flight while her mom snapped, \u201cShe\u2019s a child. Deal with it.\u201d When they left for the restroom, I noticed something that gave me the perfect revenge. By the time they returned, Mom\u2019s nightmare was just beginning.<\/p>\n
I was sitting in a hot spring surrounded by snowy mountains.<\/p>\n
Snow monkeys everywhere. They soaked peacefully, like retired accountants on vacation.<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes. Finally, some peace.<\/p>\n
THUMP<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Something hit me in the back.<\/p>\n THUMP<\/strong>.<\/p>\n A small monkey sat behind me, staring at the sky like he had never met a spine in his life.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, buddy. I\u2019m trying to relax.\u201d<\/p>\n He tilted his head.<\/p>\n THUMP. THUMP.<\/strong><\/p>\n Now there were two.<\/p>\n \u201cSeriously? It\u2019s an entire mountain. Go bother someone else.\u201d<\/p>\n SNOW MONKEYS EVERYWHERE.<\/p>\n One of them jumped up and slammed into me.<\/p>\n BANG<\/strong>.<\/p>\n My eyes snapped open. Seat back. Dark window. Engine hum.<\/p>\n Right. The plane.<\/p>\n I drifted off again. Five monkeys this time. One sat on my head, one pulled my ear, one used my back as a drum.<\/p>\n BANG. BANG. BANG.<\/strong><\/p>\n RIGHT. THE PLANE.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is wrong with you people?\u201d<\/p>\n The biggest one stuck out his tongue.<\/p>\n BANG.<\/strong><\/p>\n I woke up for real.<\/p>\n Someone was kicking my seat. Rhythmically. With commitment.<\/p>\n I turned around.<\/p>\n SOMEONE WAS KICKING MY SEAT.<\/p>\n A ten-year-old girl in pink sneakers stared straight into my eyes.<\/p>\n THUMP.<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cAre you kidding me?\u201d<\/p>\n Next to her, her mother was glued to a tablet.<\/p>\n A Turkish soap opera, judging by the man in the expensive suit shouting at a crying woman.<\/p>\n Giant noise-canceling headphones. The tablet was plugged into a fat power bank wedged beside her seat cushion.<\/p>\n I WOKE UP FOR REAL.<\/p>\n \u201cExcuse me, ma\u2019am. Could you ask your daughter to stop kicking my seat?\u201d<\/p>\n She pulled off one earcup.<\/p>\n \u201cShe\u2019s a child. Deal with it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI noticed. She also has great aim.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen move.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhere? The wing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTHEN MOVE.\u201d<\/p>\n She rolled her eyes and went back to her show.<\/p>\n The girl smiled and kicked again.<\/p>\n Great. One of the monkeys had followed me onto the plane.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, sweetheart. Could you keep your feet down?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMom says you have to deal with it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYour mom says a lot of things.\u201d<\/p>\n ONE OF THE MONKEYS HAD FOLLOWED ME ONTO THE PLANE.<\/p>\n \u201cShe says that one a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI bet she does.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you going to tell on me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOnly if you keep kicking.\u201d<\/p>\n She kicked. Twice. Out of principle.<\/p>\n \u201cMom never does anything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCOULD YOU ASK YOUR DAUGHTER TO STOP KICKING MY SEAT?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes. I noticed that too.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019d had three hours of sleep, a week of conference meetings, and twelve hours of flight between me and my own bed. All I wanted was a nap. Not a miracle. A nap.<\/p>\n I tried a pillow. A blanket. Sitting sideways like a pretzel.<\/p>\n THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.<\/strong><\/p>\n I turned around again.<\/p>\n ALL I WANTED WAS A NAP.<\/p>\n \u201cMa\u2019am, your daughter is still kicking my seat.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you\u2019re still complaining.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m consistent. It\u2019s one of my better qualities.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe you shouldn\u2019t fly if you can\u2019t stand kids.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have two of my own.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen you should understand!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAND YOU\u2019RE STILL COMPLAINING.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI do. That\u2019s why I taught them not to kick strangers.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t tell me how to raise my daughter!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI wouldn\u2019t dream of it. I\u2019m still waiting for you to start.\u201d<\/p>\n She put her headphones back on, slowly, like a gunslinger holstering a weapon.<\/p>\n I operate on hearts for a living. I know a thing or two about rhythm. This kid had none.<\/p>\n An hour later, Lily got bored with my seat and tried her mother instead.<\/p>\n I KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT RHYTHM. THIS KID HAD NONE.<\/p>\n \u201cMom, I\u2019m bored!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWatch something, honey.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen find something else to do!\u201d<\/p>\n Lily looked at the back of my seat.<\/p>\n BANG.<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cMOM, I\u2019M BORED!\u201d<\/p>\n I turned around one more time.<\/p>\n \u201cListen, mister. She\u2019s a CHILD. Children get bored. Children move. If you wanted peace and quiet, you should\u2019ve bought a private jet!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll keep that in mind next time I\u2019m buying groceries.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNothing. Enjoy your show.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cENJOY YOUR SHOW.\u201d<\/p>\n On the screen, the man was now the one crying.<\/p>\n Finally, someone on that tablet was having a worse day than me.<\/p>\n Two more hours passed. Somewhere past four hundred kicks<\/strong>, I stopped counting.<\/p>\n Then the mother pulled off her headphones.<\/p>\n \u201cLily, come on. Bathroom.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I don\u2019t need to go!\u201d<\/p>\n ON THE SCREEN, THE MAN WAS NOW THE ONE CRYING.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I do. Move.\u201d<\/p>\n They marched down the aisle.<\/p>\n Silence. Beautiful, ringing silence.<\/p>\n I almost cried. Then I smelled something.<\/p>\n Hot plastic.<\/p>\n I leaned over. The tablet sat on her tray, still plugged in.<\/p>\n HOT PLASTIC.<\/p>\n The power bank beside it looked slightly puffed up, and the cable was bent at a sharp angle.<\/p>\n I wasn\u2019t inventing anything. It really smelled.<\/p>\n For two hours, I had begged that woman to give her daughter some attention. Now I had a feeling she was about to give Lily her undivided attention.<\/p>\n I pressed the call button.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n A flight attendant arrived. Her name tag said Emily.<\/p>\n I PRESSED THE CALL BUTTON.<\/p>\n \u201cCan I help you, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think something\u2019s wrong with the electronics behind me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat kind of problem?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt smells like overheated plastic. And the battery looks swollen.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you see any smoke?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. But I figured you\u2019d want to know before I do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDO YOU SEE ANY SMOKE?\u201d<\/p>\n She leaned in and sniffed. Her smile disappeared.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you touch it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, ma\u2019am. I\u2019m a surgeon. I know better than to poke swollen things.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood. Please stay in your seat.\u201d<\/p>\n She called over the senior flight attendant. Two minutes later, they had unplugged everything, bagged it, and carried it off toward the galley.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019M A SURGEON.\u201d<\/p>\n I sat there looking like a Sunday school teacher.<\/p>\n \u201cIs everything okay?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cJust a precaution, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSafety first.\u201d<\/p>\n I tried my best to hide my Cheshire Cat grin.<\/p>\n I watched the tablet disappear.<\/p>\n \u201cSAFETY FIRST.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019d spent two hours negotiating with a ten-year-old\u2019s sneakers. Turns out, a battery was a much better listener.<\/p>\n The mother and Lily came back.<\/p>\n She sat down, reached for her tray, and froze.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s my tablet?\u201d<\/p>\n I said nothing.<\/p>\n She checked under the seat. The seat pocket. Then she looked at me.<\/p>\n THE MOTHER AND LILY CAME BACK.<\/p>\n \u201cWHAT DID YOU DO?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood news. Your seat\u2019s still here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYOU TOOK MY TABLET!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m a surgeon, ma\u2019am. Not a magician.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t play dumb with me!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTrust me, I\u2019m not enjoying this conversation enough to play anything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYOU TOOK MY TABLET!\u201d<\/p>\n She jabbed the call button. Emily came back.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere is my tablet?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMa\u2019am, the power bank was overheating. We have to follow safety procedure.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere was nothing wrong with it!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt was unusually hot, and the battery was swollen. The crew will keep it until it\u2019s checked.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHE did this!\u201d<\/p>\n I TRIED MY BEST TO HIDE MY CHESHIRE CAT GRIN.<\/p>\n She pointed at me.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s angry because my daughter kicked his seat!\u201d<\/p>\n I turned around slowly.<\/p>\n \u201cSo you did notice.\u201d<\/p>\n She blinked.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not what I meant!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTHERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course not.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI want to speak to your supervisor!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll ask the senior flight attendant to come over,\u201d Emily said.<\/p>\n \u201cI paid for this flight!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo did I,\u201d I said quietly. \u201cMine didn\u2019t include a massage package.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!\u201d<\/p>\n She dropped into her seat and pulled out her phone. Four percent.<\/p>\n Her headphones blinked red and died in her hands.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got to be kidding me!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSomething wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShut up!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust checking.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYOU\u2019VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!\u201d<\/p>\n She turned the phone off and gripped it like the last lifeboat on a sinking ship.<\/p>\n