I’d booked our seats four months ago. I wanted to say it, but I didn’t.
Lisa’s eyes stayed on her a beat longer than felt normal. There was something in her expression I couldn’t quite read: disappointment, maybe, or something colder.
I wanted to say it, but I didn’t.
Then the flight attendant turned toward me with a small, apologetic smile.
“Ma’am, if you’d like, I can seat you and your daughter together in row 12. Middle and aisle. I’m truly sorry.”
Behind me, the line of boarding passengers was starting to bunch up.
A man cleared his throat. Someone shifted a rolling bag.
Emma’s whimper was so quiet only I could hear it.
“I’m truly sorry.”
I made the calculation every mom with a child who has autism makes a hundred times a day.
Fight now, or protect her now. I couldn’t do both.
Plus, I didn’t want to make a scene in front of my daughter, so we walked away.
“Okay,” I whispered. “Row 12 is fine.”
Lisa nodded.
I didn’t want to make a scene.
Before leading us down the aisle, the flight attendant glanced toward the rear of the cabin, her eyes settling briefly on a couple seated together by a window in row 19. She moved to them quickly and leaned down for a quiet word.
I couldn’t hear what was said, but both passengers looked past her toward Emma, then exchanged a glance before one of them gave a small nod.
She moved to them quickly.
Lisa smiled gratefully.
“Thank you,” she said softly.
Then she returned to us as though nothing had happened.
Ms. Reyes was already turning back toward the window, phone raised, snapping a picture of the wing.
I guided Emma down the aisle. An older woman across from our new row looked up as we settled in, her eyes soft.
She smiled at my daughter without saying anything, then at me.
It felt like the first kind thing anyone had done all morning.
Lisa smiled gratefully.
“Good morning,” I greeted.
The woman greeted back.
I buckled Emma in and pressed her stuffed airplane into her lap. I kept my voice low and singsong.
“We’re going up, up, up, sweet girl. Just like the birds.”
Her small hand tightened around the plane as the engines started to roar.
The woman greeted back.
As the cabin door closed, I caught a glimpse of Lisa speaking quietly into the forward interphone. She kept her voice low, listening for a moment before answering with a simple, “Understood.”
I didn’t think much of it.
I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer that I could hold Emma together for the next five hours.
I didn’t know that the captain had just been quietly informed about everything that had happened in row 7.
I didn’t think much of it.
***
Once we were in the air, I went into what I called “mission mode.”
I slipped Emma’s noise-canceling headphones over her ears and opened her coloring book to the page with the airplanes she loved coloring over and over.
“Count with me, baby,” I whispered, pointing at the book. “One cloud, two clouds, three clouds.”
My daughter tried. She really did. But after about 20 minutes, her little body started rocking against the seat belt, and a soft whimper escaped her lips.
“Count with me, baby.”
“Mommy, sky. I want sky,” Emma whimpered.
My chest tightened. From where we sat, all my daughter could see was the aisle’s beige wall and the back of a stranger’s head.
“I know, sweetheart. I know.”
The older woman across the aisle leaned toward us with a gentle smile.
She had silver hair pinned back and warm eyes that had clearly seen a lot of life.
“I know, sweetheart. I know.”
“Sweetheart, would you like to peek out my window for a second?” the older woman asked.
Emma looked up, uncertain, and I nodded to let her know it was okay.
She craned her neck for a moment, caught a sliver of blue, and then slumped back into her seat.
It wasn’t enough. It was never going to be enough from four rows away.
I nodded to let her know it was okay.
I kept whispering our counting games while a familiar voice in my head asked whether I should’ve fought harder for our original seats.
Was this whole trip a mistake?
Meanwhile, I could see the back of Ms. Reyes’s head in 7A.
She had her phone up, angling it toward the window, snapping selfie after selfie with the clouds behind her.
I should’ve fought harder.
